By Akin Fabiyi
June 2012: On my way from Paris to Bruxelles one day. I found my way to a train station called Nord. I had two very big bags. I had to carry those bags across two platforms to connect my train to my final destination, called St. Niklaaas. While I stood figuring out what to do, a guy walked up to me and said, “I can help you with one of those”. First, his English surprised me because the predominant lingua is Dutch or Flemish. Secondly, he was well draped in a very costly navy blue suit. 3rd, he is completely white. As in, white oyibo. I was really taken aback but gratefully said, “Oh wow! Thank you”. He lifted the heavier of the two bags and we walked some 5 minutes, crossing one platform to the other before arriving at my departing one. He dropped my back with a very courteous gesture. I expressed effusive gratitude and we said our Byes.
When I got to my host, I narrated what happened. He said Belgians are very respectful people. They rank themselves as the 16th most polite country in the world. As a matter of fact, if you are in a conversation with them, and your hands are in your pocket or you’re wearing sunglasses, they consider you impolite. They are reserved, warm, professionally courteous and very punctual. Throughout my stay in Belgium, I read the room and realized that they’ll rather give you a warm handshake at first meeting than appreciate you giving them a backslapping hug. Imagine if I just go hugging anyhow saying “nothing de happen”, I would end up embarrassing myself. That’s some culture right there.
August 2014: One day I got into an Uber with my daughter in the US. She said “Good afternoon Sir” to the Uber driver. A totally oyibo person. When we got to destination and about to disembark, she said “thank you, Sir”. Uber driver said to me, “Xcuse me? I think you are raising your kid well. Her behavior and respect to others is impressive” ”. I said “thank you”.
Then, he asked, “where are you from?” I said “Nigeria”. He said, “Wow! Amazing. Respect is rare here”.
Forget that some people don’t look like us or have a background different from ours. Everyone loves to be respected. Everyone.
But let’s stretch this a bit. The drama between Mr.Tony Elumelu and Aunty “Tonye” that happened yesterday didn’t start yesterday.
I have read on this social media where some parents post stuff like, “My people, these our children are becoming bold o. Today, my 7 year-old daughter she told me “Mommy, don’t be silly”. Then everyone hailed the innocent girl who saw nothing wrong in describing her Mom in literal definition as showing lack of good sense, judgement or seriousness. That’s being “silly”.
I have heard some of our parents say “Can you imagine, I was gisting with my little boy today and he said “Dad, that’s gross comimg from you”. And everyone goes, “Nah wa o, these our Gen Alpha children are bold o”.
No. Boldness is not same as reckless. Audacity is not stupidity. Love is misplaced when it fails to balance discipline and there’s a thin line between true love and unbridled indulgence. There’s a very thin line between raising a child who can question authority intelligently and one who derides authorities rudely. One is confidence; the other is social calibration.
Let’s come to social media.
Mark Zuckerberg’s architecture placed Professor and undergraduate, billionaire and job seeker, seventy-year-old and seventeen-year-old on the same digital pavement. Everybody has a reply button. Everybody has a keypad. Everybody appears to have equal font size. But equal font size does not equal life experience. How many times have we seen someone clearly old enough to be another person’s parent express an opinion online—and because the younger person disagrees politically, religiously or socially, the response begins with: “What is this one saying?” Or “ You are very stupid…” Just like that. No restraint. No disagreement with dignity. No awareness of age. No cultural consideration. From international conflicts to Nigerian politics, celebrity controversies and our endless government-versus-opposition warfare, our digital ecosystem increasingly rewards what I call woke rascality: the mistaken belief that modernity requires the abandonment of manners.
And hold on a moment…before anybody begins: “It is because she is Igbo…” “It is because he is Yoruba…” Please. We are tired of this sickening myopia. Not every disagreement requires an ethnic townhall meeting. That jaded pettiness has become another manifestation of our digital dysfunction. Sometimes, bad behaviour is simply bad behaviour. Digital buffoonery does not need a state of origin or a tribal identity.
Because here’s the paradox: The same young person who screams, “Respect must be earned” will enter the academia tomorrow and address somebody as Dr or Professor. Will call someone, Ambassador or Sir…because suddenly context has arrived. The same person who thinks greetings are “old school” will travel to Japan and begin learning when to bow. Go to another culture and you will learn that there is dining etiquette. Enter a courtroom and you will learn how to address a judge. Join the military and you will learn rank. Enter diplomacy and protocol will teach you quickly that familiarity is not a human right. So why have we convinced ourselves that African cultural codes of respect must automatically represent backwardness? You do not need to dismantle dignity in order to disarm arguments.
Emotional intelligence is a key ingredient with which today’s parents should raise their children.
Teach them that different spaces have different codes; confidence requires calibration; freedom of expression does not mean freedom from consequences. Teach them when first names are appropriate. Teach them when familiarity must sit and decorum rise . Teach them that respecting an elder does not mean surrendering their intellect. Teach them that confidence does not require insolence and civilisation does not abandon manners. Civilisation begins when freedom learns restraint. Raise children who can question us. But while building their straight , piercing eyes, don’t forget to hand them a moral compass.
Conversely, elders must understand that age is not a licence for tyranny. Because respect must travel in both directions. An older person who humiliates a younger person cannot suddenly hide behind culture. A boss who abuses employees cannot demand reverence because he is wealthy. A parent who refuses to listen cannot call every disagreement disrespect. Respect is reciprocal. But upbringing supplies the first vocabulary.
Let’s be clear: Even if Mark Zuckerberg arranged his software in a way that enables all of us to be on first name basis, it is for a reason that some of us start our replies to our seniors here by typing “Egbon”.
Home is where it starts. A child that is not trained at home will get the “TONY RESET” in public .
- Akin Fadeyi
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